Look, sometimes we want to have more sex and experience more desire, but it just doesn’t feel like that’s in the cards. It happens to the vast majority of people at different points in their lives, so if it’s happening to *you*, don’t sweat it. Libido is far from a simple beast, friends. The ability to experience sexual desire is born out of complex physiological, biological, and social factors, which means that figuring out how to increase your sex drive can be, well, equally complex. Nevertheless, we shall persist!
First things first: It’s important to keep in mind that physical arousal, libido, and desire can be related, but are not all the same things. Desire is our interest in sexual activity, whereas sexual arousal is the physiological state of being sexually turned on—aka when your vagina gets wet and your clitoris and surrounding tissues become engorged. Libido, meanwhile, is, well, horniness.
When we say “sex drive” we’re really referring to libido. “Sexual desire is not confined to biological instincts. It is an amalgamation of psychological, emotional, and relational elements, coupled with our unique experiences and cultural contexts, says Nazanin Moali, PhD, an AASECT-certified psychologist, educator, and podcaster. This means that a variety of factors can affect how often and how intensely we experience desire, including our life circumstances, stress levels, and a whole bunch of other stuff. Understanding how libido actually functions and determining the specific contexts in which your desire for sex is able to emerge is key to increasing it.
We should also mention that “horniness” is not always the reason people seek out sex, nor is it the only valid one. We may want it because we want more closeness with our partner, to maintain an intimate connection, or just to have the release of orgasm after a stressful day. And according to sex therapist Cyndi Darnell, author of Sex When You Don’t Feel Like It: The Truth about Mismatched Libido & Rediscovering Desire, these are all perfectly good reasons to want to have sex, JFYI.